By Charles Layton

I’ve posed this question before but never received an adequate answer. What do you call a person who lives in Neptune? I’m not originally from here, and I honestly don’t know, but I have some thoughts about it.

I grew up in a part of the country where the suffix “ite” is used a good deal. We Texans have Houstonites and Dallasites and Austinites. “Ite” is sort of our default setting. However, it’s a big state and we have plenty of exceptions. (For some reason, people in Paris, Texas, refuse to refer to themselves as “Parisites.”)

Neptunite

“Neptunite” would be my automatic choice for a Person From Neptune (a PFN) except for the distracting fact that neptunite happens also to be the name of a rare mineral. Like our township, it is named for the Roman god of the sea. Unlike our township, it is mainly found in scattered parts of Asia and North America but not, I believe, in New Jersey. I don’t think a PFN should be called that.

So how about another common suffix, the one we apply to people from Ocean Grove, from New York, from London and from (I believe this is true) Hamburg. The trouble is, “Neptuner” sounds as if it should be spelled Nep-tooner, and as if it ought to designate an old-time cartoon character: Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, Petunia Pig. To my ear, it just lacks dignity. Plus, it reminds me of the Looney Tunes theme song, which then sticks in my mind and torments me for days. (“Th-th-that’s all, folks.”)

So if Neptuners doesn’t quite work, we’re stuck with the following options:

Neptunians. — No good. It suggests alien invaders from a giant frozen planet.

Neptunans. —  Something to do with tuna fish? Sounds like it.

Neptuner

Neptunistas? — Well, hey, that has a ring to it. Anybody want to second that?

Ocean Grover