By Charles Layton
On Saturday, the ice broke.
After years of distrust and outright hostility, leaders of the Camp Meeting Association and Ocean Grove’s gay rights community found a way to come together. Or so they seem to hope and believe.
The CMA’s president, Dr. Dale Whilden, and eight CMA trustees showed up for lunch at the home of Harriet Bernstein and Luisa Paster, co-chairs of Ocean Grove United. Other OGU board members were there. So was Stephen Goldstein, who heads the state’s leading gay advocacy group, Garden State Equality. So was Randy Bishop, Neptune Township’s gay mayor, who lives in the Grove, and Congressman Frank Pallone. And so were five gay and lesbian high school students from North Jersey, along with a parent of one of the students and the sister of another young man who is gay.
The first thing these people did was share a cold buffet lunch. Then they crowded together in the living room/dining room area for conversation.
“We made certain the Camp Meeting trustees and the kids all sat near each other,” Bernstein said. “Each and every one of these teens spoke about their own experiences of being bullied because they are gay.”
Whilden said afterward that he and the other CMA officials “were impressed with these kids. They had insight and courage and just a perspective I’m not sure we all grasped as well before the meeting as we did after the meeting. These are brave kids. They’ve been through a lot.”
Members of the CMA and Ocean Grove’s large gay and lesbian population have had an antagonistic relationship since 2007, when the CMA refused to allow Bernstein and Paster to use the boardwalk pavilion for a civil union ceremony. They and other gay residents fought back, forming Ocean Grove United as a civil rights organization. Blue and yellow equality flags appeared on porches all over town.
A law suit over the pavilion issue made national news. It was resolved just this past January when a judge ruled that the CMA had violated New Jersey’s anti-discrimination laws.
By that time, tempers had moderated somewhat on both sides, but then came Kirk Cameron, a visiting minister who provoked the gay community all over again by making insulting remarks about gays on national television.
On Friday, when Cameron made his appearance in the Great Auditorium, Bernstein and Paster led a silent demonstration outside.
But at the same time, they extended a hand to the leaders of the CMA, in the form of the luncheon invitation, which those leaders accepted.
The gay teenagers took center stage during the living room discussion, describing how it feels to be persecuted by one’s peers and attempting to explain that when religious leaders make harsh public remarks against gays they feed such persecution.
Bernstein said a straight girl at the meeting, whose brother is gay, “explained how Kirk Cameron’s words really affected them, how hurtful they were, and how those are the same kinds of words they’ve been hearing since middle school, from kids who were bullying them.”
“They drew the connection,” Paster said, “that such words from people like Kirk Cameron – public figures – make it easier for other people to use similar words. It has a ripple effect.” Cameron had said on CNN that homosexuals were destructive of the foundations of civilization.
Paster and Bernstein said these teenagers’ testimony seemed to make a genuine impression on the trustees. “One trustee who had a career in education commented that he had seen the same thing in the school system,” Paster said. “He validated exactly what the students had said. He had seen it first-hand.”
Whilden not only agreed that the trustees had been impressed, he predicted that a new day might be at hand in Ocean Grove. “It seems to me we’ve gone to another level of friendliness and neighborliness,” he said. “We’re not going to agree on everything. But we can work together, we have a lot of things in common, and we all love Ocean Grove.”
After about 2 ½ hours the meeting broke up without any specific plans for followup. However, both sides agreed that the dialogue would continue.
One concrete suggestion, made by one of the teens, Corey Bernstein (no relation to Harriet), was that the gay organizations and the Camp Meeting might work together on some sort of anti-bullying event in Ocean Grove.
New Jersey’s new anti-bullying law designates the first week in October as a “week of respect,” during which schools are asked to teach the consequences of intimidation and harassment. That week might be a good time for some kind of Ocean Grove event, Corey Bernstein suggested.
Whilden later told me that such an October event could be a practical problem, because the CMA’s program committee meets in the middle of that month to decide on events. “So I’m not sure that we could put something together this year … but I hope that’s not going to be discouraging to the kids.”
Change may take time, Whilden said, but he thinks there is a new “level of community awareness.”
“We don’t expect people to change their views,” Harriet Bernstein said. “They’re going to follow what they believe. What we’re asking them to do is be more sensitive to the diverse population that lives in Ocean Grove. And that I think they can do.”
I have to wonder if some of these people who say that kids being bullied should just “get over it” were themselves bullies? Just “man up”, right? Sounds so Chris Christie! Not everyone is equipped to “not let it bother” or gets support at home. Welcome to the 21st century!
And why does every article here on OGU refer to Ocean Grove’s “gay rights community.” Can’t we just be Ocean Grovers too? I don’t see protesting Kirk Cameron or being against bullying as “gay rights” issue. All due respect that’s frankly an old fashioned notion.
And I have to say, the Bible has a whole lot more to say about divorce (among other things) than it does about homosexuality, so why are those passages ignored?
Bullets: Low self-esteem isn’t attributable to bullying in school, only. Gay kids get a lifetime of hurtful comments in their homes and churches, too. Your father supported you. What if he agreed with the bullies? Children are very impressionable, and their self-esteem can be degraded by how people talk. And it is so useless.
The OGCMA has consistently said that all Ocean Grovers are welcome to attend their religious services.
In response to Sal who commented that students are bullied for many reasons and they should just get over it themselves:
Bullying in today’s environment has become a much more serious problem. The students who came and told their personal stories of being bullied are from the Garden State Equality Youth Caucus, which also sponsors an anti-bullying hotline. If you are a student who has faced bullying by another student – whether at school, after-school or online – or you know a student who has, you can immediately contact Garden State Equality’s Anti-Bullying Hotline. Call 1 (877) NJBULLY or text NJBULLY to 66746. They will help you no matter the reason you have been harrassed – for religion, racial or ethnic background, sexual orientation, gender identification, or anything else. There have been too many suicides and deep wounds in our children and we need to come together to make it stop.
When the CMA trustees had lunch with the OG United, the most loving thing they could have done was invite them to Sunday worship where they would have heard a true message of love, the love everyone’s Heavenly Father offers to all of us sinners who come to Him in repentance.
I was bullied from a young age due to my name, as was my father. Neither one of us jumped off a bridge or complained about it. We sucked it up and went on with out lives. Even in 6th and 7th grades, I did not care what those idiots had to say.
Bullying only affects you if you allow it— Get over it.
It’s very sad to see the equal flag next to the cross. Are they kidding? don’t think you want to get the heterosexuals started with the (PLUS) flags.
I am getting tired of this…of course, I believe that equal rights is deserved for everyone, but the liberal debate is becoming as hypocritical as that which it seeks to critique. Now we have politicians censoring people so that they can get re-elected.
The issue is always about respect all around. Just because a group is getting more and more attention doesn’t and shouldn’t mean that the other becomes disregarded…it is a retroactive reality.
We should embrace the diversity we have in OG. Respect people regardless of sexual preferences or religious beliefs. However, also respect the foundation of OG, which is Methodism, the Camp Meeting and Christianity. The Bible is clear on the issue of sin and homosexuality; sorry if you don’t like it. That is why the CMA is standing their ground…not because they inherently hate gays or people in general. In fact, they have exclusively used a gay owned business here in OG…hmmm, doesn’t sound like bullying to me! They have to stay true to their beliefs, just like gay people do to their own. Everyone has that right.
Sal: Bullying is a problem no matter who is being bullied. And one solution — the best solution, in my opinion — is exactly what you suggested: building self-esteem among teens. That’s why Dan Savage created the It Get’s Better Project.
But that does not mean that is the only solution. Suicides among gay teens is higher than that for straight kids, and there is evidence that bullying directed toward gay kids is on the rise. Suicide is not a ploy for attention, and gay people are not concerned about it for the purpose of feeling more special than other people. There are also many beatings in the country, and no one should tolerate violence.
You don’t want a nanny state. But this issue involves violence to children, self-inflicted and by others. Of course everyone wants to do what he can to assist children. And by the way, part of gay marriage equality is about helping children and families, too. Everyone needs to do what they can to assist to create and maintain solid homes, schools and communities.
Was this a meeting about “understanding” each other, or was it merely an opportunity for more complaints about the CMA? What exactly did the OGU side agree to do to improve relations?
This may be deemed too harsh but it needs to be said.
I too was bullied in high school because I was __________.
a) overweight
b) not very smart
c) not a jock
d) not a freak
e) had curly hair
f ) had a lazy eye
g) didn’t wear “cool” clothes
h) too often missed the bus
i) was too short
j) was too tall
k) the list goes on…
Choose one (or two or even three) and realize that almost EVERYONE growing up gets picked on and bullied. Why is it that LGTB people feel that their plight is such a unique one? I had friends in high school that were gay and when they didn’t play the victim role things rolled right along. I have a very open attitude and believe in gay marriage but I have to take issue with those that don’t respect themselves enough to get up, dust themselves off and move forward believing in themselves.
Kudos to Harriet and Luisa for building a bridge towards understanding of a very serous topic……..Thanks for your hard work and a special thanks to the youth for sharing their heartfelt stories to the CMA…We hope that attitudes will change for the better.
Amen.