Blogfinger

By Charles Layton

It has not been a quiet week in our namesake town of Ocean Grove — that’s the seaside resort in Victoria, Australia, the one that sits on the shores of the Bass Strait, facing south toward Tasmania.

The last time we reported on life in Ocean Grove Down Under, it was to inform you that a man was threatening to cut off his girlfriend’s feet. He had previously been in trouble for committing armed robbery with a tomahawk. It was said that he had an anger management problem.

Previous to that, we told you about another Ocean Grover who nearly killed his roommate by bashing him with beer stubbies. (Translation: a “stubbie” is a short, squat beer bottle. It is different from a “tinnie.”)

As you can probably tell, I’m becoming obsessed with those people. It’s an alternate universe down there.

Shark victim. Photo from the Geelong Advertiser

Today I checked the local papers and discovered that an Ocean Grove man had been bitten by a shark while surfing. He arrived at the Timboon hospital with a 7-centimeter gash on his right foot. Some of the old-timers were quoted as saying it wasn’t a very big deal. Sharks regularly lurk in those waters, and once in a great while, though not often, they take a nip out of somebody. A fisherman told a reporter he had recently seen a shark attacking and eating a seal near shore.

But the big news wasn’t that. The big news was about another Ocean Grove man, who pleaded guilty to trafficking in ecstasy and illegally possessing steroids, weapons and ammunition. Two of the weapons were samurai swords. (No indication as to whether he was a friend of the guy with the tomahawk.)

The man’s lawyer asked the magistrate to go easy on his client due to mitigating circumstances, which were these:

The client, Dylan McEwan, 20, had started taking drugs because of a traumatic experience in the recent past; he had had his ear bitten off in a fight. This had left him with feelings of fear and insecurity, for which he’d turned to drugs. Also, the lawyer said, “I understand the steroids were to bulk up because of fear from the assault, being a small guy beaten by a larger guy.”

He had started selling drugs to friends after losing his job as an arborist. And the reason he’d lost his job as an arborist was, his ear injury had rendered him unable to wear the required safety headgear.

The magistrate accepted into the record a psychological report about the impact of the ear incident, but he said a conviction was necessary because of the seriousness of the charges. He fined McEwan $1,000.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, what about those samurai swords? Well, those were a present from McEwan’s brother, who acquired them in Thailand. They were a non-issue.