My nonexistent conversation with the doctor.

Scene:   Calling an otolaryngologist to make a new patient appointment.  Years ago a relative saw Dr. Lang of “Otolaryngologyspecialists.com.”

Robot voice answers:   Hello…if this is a true medical emergency, hang up and call  911.   Then I am given the chance to choose a number to speak to a person. I hit #3

Live Useless Person:  Hello. How may I help you?

Me: I would like to make an appointment with Dr. Lang.

She:  Dr. Lang is no longer with us.

Me: Is he dead?

She:  No.  He retired.  Do you want to make an appointment with one of our five live doctors?

Me:   How can I know which one to see regarding my problem?

She: Go to our web site and read about our doctors.

I hang up and go online to their site.  I find five doctors’ faces looking at me.  Each had certain areas of expertise, but none of them mentioned my particular problem.  Which one to see?

I won’t  call back, because I would wind up dealing with  the same Useless Person.

In the old days, a doctor would agree to pick up the phone to give a patient some initial direction.  Or, at least, a nurse would speak to you.   But doctors no longer talk to patients on the phone, and even nurses and PA’s are often unavailable to patients.

The patient gets to speak to Useless Person who may ask you about your symptoms even though that person has no medical training whatsoever.  If they ask me, “Where is your pain?”  I tell them that I will only discuss  that with a doctor or some other medical professional.  Even a forensic pathologist would be better.

So it’s hard for a caller to get out of the starting gate and thus we have the first roadblock to quality care.  In general office staff  make their first priority to not let  the patient talk to the doctor.   I hold the doctors responsible for this dereliction of duty.

I would not consider anyone in that group, not even the Ivy Leaguer from Columbia who was third in his class. or the other guy whose bio says that he “has a beautiful wife.”    .

Many doctors have abdicated the running of their offices to corporate efficiency experts with bottom-line oriented priorities. They think that “middle level” providers are the same as physicians–interchangeable parts.

So I stayed home and Googled my problem, checking the Mayo Clinic, Columbia U. and the Cleveland Clinic. But I’m not going to Rochester Minn, Cleveland or Manhattan.

I think I will continue being my own doctor for now.   At least I answer myself when I seek medical advice, or I ask my wife who thinks she’s a doctor, and she is remarkably effective at it.

The best bet is to speak to some medical professional whom you know or a friend knows and get a recommendation.

So  now I plan to relax surrounded by an all-girls orchestra playing “I’m in the Mood for Love.”

So forget your troubles, come on, get  happy*:

IVY BENSON AND HER ALL GIRLS ORCHESTRA:

* “Get Happy” by Harold Arlen. Performed by Judy Garland in 1950.